I am not cool.
Sometimes people think Im cool. Heck, sometimes I even trick myself into thinking Im cool. But theres always one person I can always count on to slap me right back into reality — my little sister.
My little sister isnt technically my sister. Shes my cousin. But we were raised like sisters, so she, like most sisters, knows how abundantly uncool I am.
She knows everything about me. She knows about thebooming bookmark-selling business I ran in the third grade. She knows about the foot fungus I contracted at tennis camp in fifth grade. She even knows about the time I drank my pee in second grade.
I guess you know all of that stuff about me now, too. So theres that.
But the point is our little sisters know things about us that nobody else in the world knows:
1. Exactly how many clothes you have in your closet.
2. Exactly how many articles of clothing she can take before you notice.
3. Where you hide your diary.
4. What your last diary entry was.
5. When you really came home every night of high school.
6. Who all of your hot friends are.
7. Which of your hot friends you secretly had a crush on.
8. Which of your not-so-hot friends you were secretly hooking up with.
9. How often you pick your nose.
10. How long you waited before your first kiss.
11. Where you still have some alcohol hidden in your childhood bedroom.
12. The weird sh*t you ate as a kid.
13. When your cherry was first popped.
14. HOW your cherry was first popped.
15. When you actually lost your virginity.
16. Where you actually lost your virginity.
17. WHO you actually lost your virginity to.
18. The amount of house parties you had when your parents were out of town.
19. That your tan is actually fake.
20. Where your secret tattoo is.
21. How frequently you tweeze your chin.
22. The fact that you have to tweeze your chin.
23. How many tears you actually shed over that guy.
24. What you look like first thing in the morning.
25. How much effort you put into your effortless look.
26. Every time you snuck out of the house growing up.
27. What a wimp you actually are when it comes down to it.
28. How much you cry every time you watch “The Notebook.”
29. The epic temper tantrums you are capable of throwing behind closed doors.
30. Where all your weird body hair is.
31. That you still call your mom Mommy.
32. That you could down an entire pizza by yourself if you really tried.
33. That there actually WAS a boy hiding in the closet when your parents came home that night.
34. The name of that boy hiding in your closet.
35. The fact that that boy is now out of the closet for real.
36. All of your hiding spots for everything.
37. The age you actually stopped watchingDisney Channel.
38. Your biggest insecurity.
39. Exactly what to say to make you cry in an instant.
40. How loudly you are capable of screaming at your mom.
41. How to hug you after a breakup.
42. The difference between when you actually like someone and when youre forcing it.
43. When to leave you alone.
44. When to not joke with you.
45. When a good joke is all you need.
46. Exactly what blackmail to give your parents that could get you grounded even as a 25-year-old adult.
47. All of the rumors that got spread about you in high school.
48. How fake most of them actually were.
49. How true some of them actually were.
50. How many nose jobs youve had.
51. When you got your first period.
52. How many times you got period all over your sheets.
53. How many days of school you faked sick.
54. How good you are at forging your moms signature.
55. The real grades you got on your homework assignments.
56. How hard you tried to be cool.
57. What you really look like when youre sleeping.
58. How long you actually slept in your moms bed.
59. Literally every friend you have ever had.
60. What you did for every birthday from birth until now.
61. Who you actually wanted to invite to your birthdays and who your mom made you invite.
62. Literally every boy you have ever had a crush on ever. Even the ones you would never admit.
63. Your exact food preferences (i.e., the ones you are actually allergic to versus the ones you say you are allergic to just to be annoying).
64. Your cell phone number by heart.
65. Every e-mail address and AIM screen name you have ever had.
66. Your password to every e-mail address, AIM screen name and social media profile you have ever had.
67. Your deepest, darkest secret.
68. Your biggest fear.
69. Why it is that you are so afraid of that one thing.
70. How much you need her on your side even if you will never admit it in a million years.