Kate Middleton is reportedly due to go into labor this Saturday, July 13. How convenient for everyone’s schedules! We can all just plan to spend the weekend obsessively following every report about her and the baby’s state (but not Prince William’s because who cares about him? No one). Or you can just refer to this handy worksheet that ought to help you imagine the real-life happenings just perfectly so you can enjoy your weekend away from your computer/TV/information-delivering screen of choice as planned.
(Not the royal baby.)
Kate has been practicing prenatal yoga thanks to private instruction at the palace in which she resides. No word on if she performs said exercises on a mat encrusted with gold leaf, but hey, if YOU were a royal… She’s allegedly going to have a natural birth, because if she can deal with the pain of wearing LK Bennett pumps every day and having absolutely no privacy or life of her own she can certainly deal with the pain of childbirth, no problem. But in case that doesn’t work, it sounds like she’s been googling hypnobirthing techniques, according to sources. Hypnobirthers believe the culture of pregnancy stresses moms out and makes the whole process unnecessarily painful. Hopefully Kate won’t totally zone out though, because if she over-hypnotizes herself it’s like not even being present. “The patient is putting herself into a trancelike state, so she’s not very present in the room physically,” is how one doctor describes hypnobirthing. If you had a personal chef on hand, wouldn’t you want to be “very present” during your birth?
(Not the royal baby.)
Private chefs will be on hand in the maternity ward where Kate delivers Britain’s future monarch (assuming the monarchy still exists when this child grows up, but details). They’ll prepare things like tomato soup, lamb chops, and Mediterranean chicken — God forbid the royals have to eat something as banal as hospital food. Apparently, Champagne will even be available, which might indicate Harry’s coming? Because William would be a horrible husband if he came in and drank while Kate was in labor. And if there’s one thing we know about him, it’s that he’s the “good one.”
Also on the food front, apparently Kate’s favorite pregnancy dish is — wait for it — vegetarian curry. According to Us Weekly, she enjoys her curries with rice and — wait for a completely unforseen detail — naan bread.
The curry is made of potatoes, peas, black lentils, spinach and cauliflower. “It’s not spicy,” says Chan. “Very mild.” The owner adds that the mom-to-be makes her own purchases, “but I imagine she shares the meals with [Prince William]. There is enough for more than just one to eat.”
Except — LOL — she’s eating for two (or… THREE?!?!?!?!) now.
Kate will give birth in a hospital bed in a room outfitted with blackout curtains to ensure her privacy. Fun fact: she’ll be in the same facility where Diana gave birth to Prince William in the impossible-to-imagine pre-Twitter/TMZ year of 1982. E! reports that should William stay the night, he will be provided with a “comfortable bed.” Each room in the wing where Kate will deliver “has a satellite TV, a radio, a safe, bedside phone, Internet access and a fridge,” E! adds. Aren’t you glad you know all this incredibly useful information? Here’s another fun fact: Kate will get fresh flowers and her newspaper of choice every morning while she’s there.
Flashback: Diana with her royal babies William and Harry.
Of course helicopters have to be involved. Rich people can’t have momentous life events without them! (Well, either that or seaplanes — it tends to be one or the other, depending on the season.) Apparently the helicopter stationed in Anglesey where Prince William works that’s supposed to take him to the hospital where Kate will deliver their child has left its post, E! reports.
“It [the helicopter] was there yesterday and now it is not there,” a local source exclusively tells E! News. “It could just be that William knows we are watching that helicopter and trying to work out if Kate is in labor because of it. But for whatever reason it has been moved.”
If you’d like to read an entire article about the whereabouts of this helicopter, do so here.
(Not the royal babies.)
We probably won’t know what Kate wears to the hospital but we do know she will be wearing clothing. ISN’T THAT THOUGHT JUST TITILLATING?
Kate hasn’t made a public appearance in about a month, and the next time we see her she’ll be on the steps of the hospital with William holding the wee HRH. What will she be wearing? Well not a muu muu because she’s not Diana but she probably won’t be wearing anything tight or too fitted either because who on the face of this earth aside from Posh Spice gives birth and then immediately wriggles into something tight? I have my money on a Katherine Hooker coat and flat boots unless it’s hot, in which case she’ll probably just wear a shift dress and flats.