WhatsHotNow

1. For the first 25 and a half years of my life, I was

2. But for a long time

3. Because I wasn’t like

4. I was more like

5. I wasn’t about to lose my virginity at prom, because, uh…

6. And when it got to the point that I was “too old” to be a virgin without having some kind of weird “sex hangup,” I would try to cover it up by being like

7. As if that didn’t make it more obvious.

8. Before going to some lame dorm party in college,

9. I’d put on a tight green American Apparel U-neck dress that I hoped would entice some guy to put it in me for a second. Which would be long enough for me to feel comfortable talking about it brunch, rather than feeling like

10. So I would walk into the party like

11. and then go up to some guy with a plaid flannel on and be all

12. but then he’d always turn out to be an Adderall dealer or an objectivist or something

13. and I’d be like

14. Of course, there were one or two guys who made me

15. and there was some

16. but they were ultimately like

18. As is often the case,

19. So eventually I was like, fuck this, and screamed into the ether:

People from high school.

My best male friends.

My best female friends.

Guys I’d hooked up with before.

26. And naturally, after I told people and stopped worrying too much about it,

27. And everyone was like

28. and I was like