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Not All It’s Carved Up To Be: Pumpkins On Instagram Vs. In Real Life


If this October has taught me anything, it’s that the Internet is filled with pictures of pumpkin carvings that make you question your worth as an individual.

Just like people on Instagram only upload pictures of themselves when they look attractive, pumpkin carvers love bragging about just how good the are at Jack-O-Lanterning because people who are really good at carving pumpkins normally don’t have a lot of other things to brag about.

To make yourself feel better about your failure, I compiled some “perfect” pumpkin carving and some more accurate real-world examples.

Some of these might look better when you stick a candle inside, but it’s not my problem these “artists” didn’t do that before they decided to share their handiwork with the rest of the Internet.

In fairness to everyone I’m indirectly making fun of, I could definitely not do any better.

I’m Ron Burgundy?


I normally stray away from using pop culture references as captions unless they’re super obscure, but I think I just reached comedic nirvana.

These would both make preteen girls go crazy somehow.


I assume it has something to do with black magic. I’ve run out of explanations that make sense.

This is your brain. This is your brain on meth.


If the left is a sophisticated methamphetamine operation, the right is a guy with some butane and a bunch of Sudafed in a garage in rural Vermont.

That’s no moon…


If they hadn’t added the toys, I would have assumed the pumpkin was supposed to be a flannel shirt that was eaten by moths.

Guess which one got sent to Apple headquarters as a tribute?


The one on the right might not have nailed the whole “Steve Jobs” likeness, but it’s perfect if they were trying to carve some sort of diabolical mastermind (which is also a term that could be used to describe Steve Jobs).

In fairness to the less impressive cat, it could have been worse.


And the reason for that is…

Goodbye Kitty. I don’t know if we ever even said “Hello.”


These are both supposed to be Lady Gaga.

I can’t actually confirm that either of them are, but I think we can agree that one is a little more professional.

Cast it back into the sea from whence it came!


I’m trying to imagine what Ariel would look like at night, but I’m having trouble thinking with those hollow eyes sucking my soul out through my nostrils.

On the left? The Notorious B.I.G. On the right? A union boss from the 1940s who gets rich smuggling opium through the docks.


Either that or it’s a hard-nosed college football coach from a similar era.

When the acid kicks in for the first time.


“Patterns… are… everything.”

This was good except for one minor problem.

That’s definitely a magic wand, but exactly what kind of “magic wand” is another matter entirely.

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