It’s January, otherwise known as the month that’s really, really f*cking cold, and everyone stays inside and gains a ton of weight. In the ominous words of that infamous “GoT” meme, “Winter has finally come.”
It’s a time when your vocabulary turns to two phrases: “F*ck, it’s freezing,” and “F*ck, f*ck, f*cking f*ck, it’s cold.”
A time when you lose friends because you realize whom you will, and won’t, travel in below-freezing temperatures for. You don’t even recognize who you are anymore because your skin is worse than the quaalude game (DRY).
It only takes one frightening admonition to get a flu shot and one scary look outside to know that the winter is really f*cking bad for you. But here’s the science to back up your claims — read on as you hibernate underneath the covers.
Winter is so sucky that it’s the only season with its own brand of depression. SAD, Seasonal Affective Disorder, is a subtype of depression tied to the changing seasons.
As the days get shorter, and light exposure lessens, people experiencing SAD suffer from a lack of energy, moodiness and loss of interests. It’s worse than your garden variety I-can’t-work-out-because-it’s-too-cold-to-move excuse.
If the cold air doesn’t shock you, the heat in your apartment will. According to Jeff Duchin, a professor of allergy and infectious disease at the University of Washington, droplets of flu virus survive longer in dry air than cool.
Increased temperatures combined with poor ventilation also create a haven for colds and viruses to spread kind of like how a stinky Dutch oven can infiltrate your nostrils.
Make like Bill Cosby and wash your hands of it.
According to a 2012 press release from the American Heart Association, heart-related deaths rose an average of 26 to 36 percent during the winter months. That’s one excuse to get out of shoveling the snow this year.
The drop in temperatures, even in milder climates, causes blood vessels to constrict, which could lead to heart attacks and strokes in more susceptible individuals. In addition, overexertion in colder temps combined with a lack of exercise can wreak havoc on your heart.
All the more reason to stay inside, catch-up on the Oscar noms and get to know your microwave a little bit better.
Although there’s no conclusive evidence that aches or pains worsen in lower temperatures, many people with arthritis and chronic pain complain of more pronounced symptoms during the colder months.
It could be due to changes in barometric pressure and humidity, or the fact that we hunch and tighten our muscles when we’re feeling chilly.
Ease up on your bones by inviting someone else to share body heat in bed with you, like a human blanket.
The persistent dryness, cold and chafing winds can make you feel like you’re wearing an itchy sweater all season. The winter basically zaps moisture from your skin and hair, making your ends look like the Wicked Witch’s broomstick… so attractive.
Chapped lips are pretty much booty-killers because no one wants to hook up with the kid who looks like he’s still in grade school with a Kool-Aid ring around his mouth. Between a perpetually red nose and ruddy cheeks, we might as well call ourselves Lindsay Lohan.
According to the National Institute for Health and Care Excellence, death occurs more during the winter due to living in cold environments. Hypothermia can literally kill you, so beware tying up your little brother to a tree for fun (ugh, winter also totally kills the mood).
Drinking alcohol before going outside will give you a false sense of warmth (and confidence!) and then also kill you, too. Moral of the story? Pretend you’re Edward Cullen and stay the f*ck inside.
As the days get noticeably shorter, the last thing you want to do is spend those precious moments of sunlight indoors on a treadmill. And who wants to venture out into the darkness when it feels like bedtime at 5 pm?
Motivating yourself to do anything in freezing temperatures is non-existent. All those New Year’s resolutions to “get healthy” mean sh*t when it looks like a scene from “Batman” taking place right outside your window. Need motivation? Go backward through your Facebook albums — your svelte and skinny 16-year-old self will get you up and moving.