Is anything funnier than watching some jackass make himself look even more falsely invincible by ingesting enough drugs to kill a horse? No, I submit that there is not. Most of my substance-abusing friends I had growing up were far more hysterical and self deprecating when high enough to have their collective eyes roll back into their collectively fogged skulls, and we, as casual yet persistently harassing side-line judges, would do nothing to deter them. In fact, I’d go so far as to say we’d cheer them on with chants of, “Yeah, one more hit!” and, “Come on, one more little tab is not going to kill you!” But then there were buddies of ours who took it upon themselves to dress the part, over-act the part, and generally just become the druggie bad-asses that they so desperately longed to be. So, with that knowledge at hand, here are 10 of the most BAD-ASS druggies in film; ladies and fellas so strung out and messed up as to make everyone else around them appear normal and intelligent by comparison, regardless of the surrounding company. Enjoy.
10. White Chicks Terry Crewe
No matter how hard they try, agents Marcus and Kevin Copeland (Marlon and Shawn Wayans) have fallen fast to the bottom of the FBI ladder. Eventually they go under cover as two Hilton-esque bimbos and hilarity ensues. Though not chock full of drug references, the blown-out scene featuring body-builder Latrelle (Terry Crewe) on the dance floor is nuts. After doping a drink to give to one of the undercover Wayans, he inadvertently drinks it himself.
9. Spun Jason Schwartzman and John Leguizamo
For a speed freak, time is a relative and obscure concept. The movie really starts when Ross arrives at Spider Mike’s (John Leguizamo) shack, looking to score and in dire need enough to risk Mike’s paranoid and tumultuous temper. Spider Mike¹s companions at the bungalow that day are: Cookie (Mena Suvari), Frisbee (Patrick Fugit) and Nikki (Brittany Murphy), a vapid and annoying Vegas stripper, whose boyfriend, The Cook (Mickey Rourke) makes up the local speed supply in his motel room lab. Seduced by Nikki and her guarantee of a limitless supply of drugs, Ross agrees to become a taxi-service for The Cook. Over the next few days, Ross careens between the hysterical and the loony as he makes his nosedive into the carnivorous world of meth junkies.
8. Fast Times at Ridgemont High Sean Penn
The epicenter of this future star-riddled film is Jennifer Jason Leigh as Stacy Hamilton. She is a young, virgin high-school student who, as the film begins, is asking for ‘relationship’ advice from her friend, the sexually promiscuous Linda Barrett (Phoebe Cates who has perhaps the finest in topless pool-exit scenes in cinematic history). While meandering away frequently from the main characters, the film spends time with baked surfer dude Jeff Spicoli (Sean Penn) and his ongoing feud with his teacher Mr. Hand (Ray Walston).
7. Drugstore Cowboy Matt Dillon and Kelly Lynch
The word ‘drugs’ in the title pretty much sums it up. Matt Dillon plays the leader of a group of dope-fiends who roam around the country stealing from pharmacies in order to feed their habits. When one of the young druggies dies of an overdose, it prompts Dillon to try to go straight. A trial made all the more difficult by the fact that his wife wants to stay high and by the further corrupting presence of an ex-priest, played by Naked Lunch author William Burroughs. Drugstore Cowboy was director Gus Van Sant’s breakthrough picture.
6. Scary Movie Marlon Wayans
Basically created to mock the horror genre of the previous years, most namely Scream and I Know What You Did Last Summer, Scary movie was created by those In Living Color family members, the Wayans Brothers. Marlon Wayans shares a tender, puff-puff moment with the masked Munch character from Scream.
5. Requiem For a Dream Ellen Burstyn
This movie seems to pop up on every list we have done of late, and for good reason: it doesn’t suck. It also happens to cover a slew of genres without becoming a mocking insult of itself. Perhaps the coolest druggie, who is in it for more than money or just getting high, is Ellen Burstyn’s diet-pill popping character who has quite the whacked out moment with a none-to-friendly refrigerator.
4. Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas Johnny Depp and Benicio Del Toro
Based on Gonzo author Hunter S. Thompson’s road book, Johnny Depp fully embodies the marble-mouthed pill-popper to a T. Journalist Raoul Duke and his lawyer Dr. Gonzo drive from LA to Las Vegas on a drugs binge. They sort of cover some news stories, including a convention on drug abuse, but also sink deeper into a frightening psychedelic otherworld.
3. Blow Johnny Depp
A grown-up George Jung (Johnny Depp) moves to Southern California with his friend “Tuna” (Ethan Suplee) and they get a beach side apartment and make friends with all the locals. They do not want to get real jobs so Tuna comes up with the idea of selling pot. George’s new girlfriend, Barbara Buckley (Franka Potente) gets them in the game to do just that by introducing them to her friend/entrepreneur Derek Foreal (Paul Reubens), who is the top dealer in the area. With Derek’s help, George and Tuna make a lot of money selling to all the people in the area. George becomes one of the most famous cocaine dealers in the world, even meeting Pablo Escobar at one point, and spends far too much time doped out of his mind.
2. Scarface Al Pacino
“Say hello to my little friend!” Al Pacino stars as Tony Montana, an exiled Cuban criminal who goes to work for Miami drug lord Robert Loggia. Montana rises to the top of Florida’s crime syndicate, eventually horning in on Loggia’s cokehead mistress (Michelle Pfeiffer) in the process. Howard Hawks’ mystery-novel ‘who-dunnit’ approach in depicting the story line’s many murders is dispensed with in the 1983 Scarface; instead, we are inundated with blood by the bucketful, especially in the now-infamous buzz saw scene. And in case it did not register, Montana does entirely too much coke.
1. Friday Chris Tucker
Ice Cube and Chris Tucker as perhaps the world’s finest slackers spend Friday doing absolutely nothing constructive once finding out that Craig (Cube) no longer has a job. Smokey (Tucker) spends the bulk of the film nicely toasted and, for my admission price, acting like the absolute perfect pothead. Just watching him work on a joint and teaching Craig how to “Puff-Puff Give, Puff-Puff Give, you’re messin’ up the flow!” is priceless. The hallucination scene and Smokey’s nervous ticks really make you understand just how much potentially laced dope this dude has done.
Notable Omissions: Brad Pitt in True Romance, Dazed and Confused, Dave Chapelle in Half Baked, Cheech and Chong, Rules of Attraction